Sunday, December 14, 2008

Happy Birthday Payden!!

Payden Shad Holdaway

3lbs 17 inches

December 13, 2001

Our story...

As most of you all know Shad and I lost a son, his name is Payden and he would be 7 yrs old..

I found out i was pregnant on June 13th 2001, we had been trying to get pregnant for 1 1/2 yrs, so this was so exciting for us!! Shad had always wanted a boy, so at my 17 week appt. we had a ultrasound and in fact we were getting a BOY!! Shad was so so excited!! I spent many weeks shopping and getting things ready for this little guy to come home with us! My pregnancy went perfectly.. nothing to cause any concern.. When i was 33 weeks I had gone into work and I was a little side tracked because a few days before my grandpa had passed away, and we were all preparing for the funeral so the night before we had been out late shopping for dresses n stuff, so i had a lot on my mind and i was a little tired.. I got home that night and thought to myself, i have not felt him move today... I said something to Shad about it and he like any guy told me i worry to much and he was fine prolly just sleeping.. but I still felt a little different... I told myself if I had not felt him by morning I would call the doctor.. So morning came I drank a HUGE glass of OJ and sat in my rocking chair, waiting, waiting, hoping, praying I would feel something anything a flutter just SOMETHING!! I finally called the doctor's office and they told me he was over to the hospital and i could just go over there.. So i drove myself in to the hospital and Ronda Merryweather was there she took me back and hooked me up to the monitors and to my surprise a heartbeat!! By this time my mother in law had come to sit with me and since there was a heartbeat she decided to go back to work... I still wasnt convinced everything was ok.. Then the doctor came in and he checked my pulse and looked at the monitor and said well lets just go get a ultrasound just to see whats going on.. We walked down the hall to the ultrasound room and the tech started to do the ultrasound. Ronda was holding my hand and as the tech got to the heart I remember Ronda squeezing my hand.. I knew... and the doctor said "I am so sorry there is no heartbeat.." those words ring loud and clear to me even now, i will never forget those words... The monitor had picked up MY heartbeat not Payden's.. I covered my face and broke into tears...I heard someone ask me "who can we call for you?" I couldnt even think, let alone speak.. I just said "my mom" and gave them the number and then i gave them Shad's work number... It seemed like my mom got there so so fast, and she wrapped her arms around me so so tight, and man did i need that hug!! They were still doing the ultrasound trying to see if the cord was around his neck or what they could see...I didnt care, he was gone, and finding out why at that point seemed pointless.. Then we went back to the labor and delivery room where they asked me a few questions and explained to me what would happen next... I couldnt even hear them or what they were saying it was all such a blur.. My dad gave me a blessing and i am so sad because i dont really remember what he said, but I heard it was AMAZING, I do remember him telling me "you will be a mother" and thinking to myself.. how can he say that, how does he know, why would he promise me that after all it did take us a long time to get pregnant and whose to say i would ever be again! After the blessing i felt so calm.. Then i heard someone say "Shad's here.." the room cleared and he walked in, he looked so sad... my heart ached for him, but we both knew that no matter what we said nothing would make us feel better. We just hugged.. I was in labor for 12 hours.. I was so drugged up that I dont remember much of it, but i had told my doctor I wanted to remember holding my baby, so towards the end they stopped giving me so many drugs, it was awful! I have had two kids since and that was nothing compared to the pain I had during this delivery! Payden finally arrived.. the room was so quiet, and even if i had the words to explain the spirit and the warmth in that room at that moment, i couldnt.. He was PERFECT in every way, and at that moment looking down at him, I remembered something Sadie had said to me earlier... How does it feel to be the mother of a perfect child..? And in all honesty, and this might sound cruel.. I was angry! How could God do this to me? what had I ever done? I looked down at this little tiny boy, all his black hair, tiny toes, tiny fingers, little button nose.... How could God take him away from me!!!! I was so so mad! I felt cheated! This wasnt fair! I think in the back of my mind i was hoping for a miracle... That didnt happen tho.. There was no first cry, no movement, his lips were blue.. he was in fact gone. They wrapped him up and brought him to me, he was so tiny! We spent some time with him, then they took him to the funeral home.. I was in the hospital without my baby.. hoping that noone came in to deliver while i was there, i didnt want to see or hear any baby! I know that sounds mean, but I knew it would make it that much harder! We left the hospital with empty arms, came home to a empty nursery.. I had my ups and downs, i didnt know what i wanted.. i wanted to be left alone.. then i was mad that i was alone.. my poor family had no idea what to do for me! I think after all of that the hardest thing for me was closing the casket, not knowing when i would be able to see him again. I know things happen for a reason, and one day I will know why this happened to me. For now, I will enjoy what i have and cherish every crazy minute with my kids, because I am so thankful I have them, and I cant wait to fill this hole in my heart one day when i am with my Payden! I love you see you soon! Happy Birthday!

13 comments:

Unknown said...

My heart aches for you. I can not imagine the pain of losing a child. I am glad for the Plan of Happiness to know that any child lost here will be able to be in our arms again in Heaven.

Belew said...

I just want to let you know how much I love you. You are such a great mother and it breaks my heart that you had to go though this, but I know that you will see you Perfect little boy agian.

JeN said...

I am too so sorry that you had to go through such a hard thing... I can't even imagine!!! The saying is true, everything happens for a reason, and one day you will see your boy again!!!

Christensen Tribe said...

Becky
Thanks for sharing with us I too remember that day the day I could not help my child with a pain that was moer that I could bear. You and Shad were so strong. I too am glad for the Plan of Salvation I know that we will someday see Payden again and that he will let us know of the purpose for him not coming at that time until then we have to have faith that he is preparing a way for us to be with him. Love ya tons Mom

Christensen Tribe said...

Beck
I do not know why things happen the way they do, but I do know it all happens for a reason...God has a plan for each of us. You are a strong individual. I miss your little guy but I am grateful we had a few precious moments with him and to know he is a very special part of our family. You are a great daughter and a fantastic mom and I love ya!!!
lv dad

tbmyers said...

Becky

Oh how the time goes by but the pain is always there. I know your pain and wish that I could take it for you. If I could I would.
Love you Uncle Bill

Lisa Summers & Fam said...

I was wondering about you all day Saturday and how you were. I remember hearing the bad new. My heart still aches for you thinking about your loss, and your story just brings tears to my eyes. The Lord only tries those he knows can pull through it and over come them. You have come a long way and yet you are the same loving person you have always been. I just know a glimpse of what my parents have gone through, but I know the pain only dulls, I hope you know we are thinking of you and that everything will be okay. Payden is probably watching over you and your kids everyday. Not everyone has such a special angel, and I agree with Sadie, not everyone has the opportunity to have a perfect child. What a blessing to have the gospel so we know you will one day have the opportunity to raise him.

Tasha said...

I was thinking of you guys too. I remember being at school in Provo & getting the call. I felt like I couldn't get home fast enough to be with you guys. I can't even imagine how you & Shad feel, b/c I know how I feel & it wasn't even my perfect little guy. You are amazing for enduring this. We just all have to be strong & try our hardest so we can see him again. You are such a great mom to Gracie & Acen & my heart brakes everytime little Gracie talks about her brother Payden. My prayers are with you! I love you guys!!!

Callisters said...

Becky I am so sorry you had to go through that. Aren't you so glad that we believe in Forever Families and what happens after this life. I feel so bad for those people who do not believe the same way we do. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, I know your little guy will be in your heart and mind.
Courtney
p.s.I am glad to see you came back to the blogging world!

the olsen family said...

Becky,
I am so glad you posted such a great tribute to Payden. He knows he is loved by the best parents and grandparents he could ever ask for. You have continued to be a great mom to him. It really is not fair to have to go through having him taken from you, but I guess we just have to believe that everything happens for a reason. And sometimes being put on our knees just gives us a reason to look up. As hard as his Birthday probably is for you, what a great time to feel his spirit! Love ya!
JEN

Malizia's said...

I couldn't sleep last night after reading this, and feeling helpless all over again. I wish I could take the pain away, or tell you it will get easier. I have no idea what it feels like to deal with such a loss. I was there on the sidelines and it was the worst thing I have ever had to witness. You are such an amazing person. Together with Shad you can get through anything. I love you so much. I look up to you, I always have. I know that this has already been said, but I KNOW that we will see Payden again, and we will be able to wrap our arms around him and tell him we love him. We will get to play with him, and catch up on all the time we have missed! I can't wait for that day. I know he is being well taken care of until his mommy can be there! Until then, keep pushing through and know how much you are loved!

**Cristy** said...

WOW Becky you are so strong. That is such a hard thing I can't even imagine what that is like. That story brings tears to my eyes. It's a great thing to know that you can be with him again someday, and that would probably be the only reason to know that to get me through those days. Happy Holidays!

Randi Jo said...

Wow! I can't believe it has been 7 yrs. It was weird though I had an urge to look at your blog today and I have to say thank you! I know that it is nothing close to the lose of a child. But with Cami's birthday and year mark so close I have been in a bit of a funk. Your words are a comfort that one day we will hopefully have an answer to why? and that the anger will iventually disappear. I am happy to hear that you and your family are well.