Happy Birthday Payden!!

Payden Shad Holdaway

3lbs 17 inches

December 13, 2001

Our story...

As most of you all know Shad and I lost a son, his name is Payden and he would be 7 yrs old..

I found out i was pregnant on June 13th 2001, we had been trying to get pregnant for 1 1/2 yrs, so this was so exciting for us!! Shad had always wanted a boy, so at my 17 week appt. we had a ultrasound and in fact we were getting a BOY!! Shad was so so excited!! I spent many weeks shopping and getting things ready for this little guy to come home with us! My pregnancy went perfectly.. nothing to cause any concern.. When i was 33 weeks I had gone into work and I was a little side tracked because a few days before my grandpa had passed away, and we were all preparing for the funeral so the night before we had been out late shopping for dresses n stuff, so i had a lot on my mind and i was a little tired.. I got home that night and thought to myself, i have not felt him move today... I said something to Shad about it and he like any guy told me i worry to much and he was fine prolly just sleeping.. but I still felt a little different... I told myself if I had not felt him by morning I would call the doctor.. So morning came I drank a HUGE glass of OJ and sat in my rocking chair, waiting, waiting, hoping, praying I would feel something anything a flutter just SOMETHING!! I finally called the doctor's office and they told me he was over to the hospital and i could just go over there.. So i drove myself in to the hospital and Ronda Merryweather was there she took me back and hooked me up to the monitors and to my surprise a heartbeat!! By this time my mother in law had come to sit with me and since there was a heartbeat she decided to go back to work... I still wasnt convinced everything was ok.. Then the doctor came in and he checked my pulse and looked at the monitor and said well lets just go get a ultrasound just to see whats going on.. We walked down the hall to the ultrasound room and the tech started to do the ultrasound. Ronda was holding my hand and as the tech got to the heart I remember Ronda squeezing my hand.. I knew... and the doctor said "I am so sorry there is no heartbeat.." those words ring loud and clear to me even now, i will never forget those words... The monitor had picked up MY heartbeat not Payden's.. I covered my face and broke into tears...I heard someone ask me "who can we call for you?" I couldnt even think, let alone speak.. I just said "my mom" and gave them the number and then i gave them Shad's work number... It seemed like my mom got there so so fast, and she wrapped her arms around me so so tight, and man did i need that hug!! They were still doing the ultrasound trying to see if the cord was around his neck or what they could see...I didnt care, he was gone, and finding out why at that point seemed pointless.. Then we went back to the labor and delivery room where they asked me a few questions and explained to me what would happen next... I couldnt even hear them or what they were saying it was all such a blur.. My dad gave me a blessing and i am so sad because i dont really remember what he said, but I heard it was AMAZING, I do remember him telling me "you will be a mother" and thinking to myself.. how can he say that, how does he know, why would he promise me that after all it did take us a long time to get pregnant and whose to say i would ever be again! After the blessing i felt so calm.. Then i heard someone say "Shad's here.." the room cleared and he walked in, he looked so sad... my heart ached for him, but we both knew that no matter what we said nothing would make us feel better. We just hugged.. I was in labor for 12 hours.. I was so drugged up that I dont remember much of it, but i had told my doctor I wanted to remember holding my baby, so towards the end they stopped giving me so many drugs, it was awful! I have had two kids since and that was nothing compared to the pain I had during this delivery! Payden finally arrived.. the room was so quiet, and even if i had the words to explain the spirit and the warmth in that room at that moment, i couldnt.. He was PERFECT in every way, and at that moment looking down at him, I remembered something Sadie had said to me earlier... How does it feel to be the mother of a perfect child..? And in all honesty, and this might sound cruel.. I was angry! How could God do this to me? what had I ever done? I looked down at this little tiny boy, all his black hair, tiny toes, tiny fingers, little button nose.... How could God take him away from me!!!! I was so so mad! I felt cheated! This wasnt fair! I think in the back of my mind i was hoping for a miracle... That didnt happen tho.. There was no first cry, no movement, his lips were blue.. he was in fact gone. They wrapped him up and brought him to me, he was so tiny! We spent some time with him, then they took him to the funeral home.. I was in the hospital without my baby.. hoping that noone came in to deliver while i was there, i didnt want to see or hear any baby! I know that sounds mean, but I knew it would make it that much harder! We left the hospital with empty arms, came home to a empty nursery.. I had my ups and downs, i didnt know what i wanted.. i wanted to be left alone.. then i was mad that i was alone.. my poor family had no idea what to do for me! I think after all of that the hardest thing for me was closing the casket, not knowing when i would be able to see him again. I know things happen for a reason, and one day I will know why this happened to me. For now, I will enjoy what i have and cherish every crazy minute with my kids, because I am so thankful I have them, and I cant wait to fill this hole in my heart one day when i am with my Payden! I love you see you soon! Happy Birthday!